Into the Cave

  At the ripe ol' age of 13, I found myself in the midst of a mess.  A mess I wasn't sure how to handle.  A mess I was too scared to handle.  I felt alone--isolated. I was certain that no one could possibly understand me.  Even worse, I felt paralyzed.   I was stuck. Stuck in fear.  Now, I don't know if you've ever been paralyzed by fear.  It's a horrible place to be.  So, I did the only thing my young mind could figure out.  I hid. I hid in what I refer to now as the cave.
  The cave is a place deep within and everyone has one.  Each one is different.  The way we act.  How we behave in the world.  What we do inside and outside of the cave are all different.  Yet, one thing remains the same.  The cave hides who we truly are.  It covers our light--our divine spark.  That part of us that is eternal and connected to all that is.  We may run into the cave to let our light shine.  However, the darkness of the cave is such that no one else can see how bright we really are.  It's not easy to see that reality.  The cave tricks us.  All we can see is that when we are in the cave, we are secure and comfortable.  Our light can shine as brilliantly as it wants.  The problem is that inside the cave no one else can see our amazing light.  So, we become angry and self-loathing.
  This sense of contempt comes from being stuck in a place surrounded by fear.  You see.  In the depths of this cave, there was darkness.  This darkness was made of secrets.  Secrets that I kept from the world.  After all, from what I had seen, the world was a scary place.  So, the secret that I was different from others.  The secret that I wasn't perfect.  The secret that I felt like a disappointment to my family and friends. All those secrets made up that ever existing and encroaching darkness.  That darkness was fed by, not only, my fears but the fears and expectations of others.  The more I learned about the world, the more I didn't want to be a part of it.  Eventually, the cave became a prison.  The darkness growing until, I felt like my light was gone.  All that was left was darkness.  Yet, I stayed right there.
  I stayed in that cave surrounded by fear and self-hatred.  I learned to navigate the world. I reflected back to the world what I thought everyone wanted to see.  Now, one of the great things about sending out a reflection is that they are often returned.  As we reflect to others, they reflect back to us.  In those reflections, I could glimpsed nuggets or flashes of Spirit and Truth. Divine Truth.  The kind of truth that remains no matter what is happening around you.  It began to feel like I had some good qualities.  In spite of the fact that I was living in a cave of secrets.  So, I carried on seeking validation and love from others.  I felt I had to, really.  Obviously, my own way of loving, especially myself, was broken.  However, I began to see that I could be loved.  I just had to keep my secrets and keep my light hidden.  Then I could be perfect and loved by everyone.  Wow! What a flawed logic that was.
  As it turns out, secrets have a way of eating away at a person.  I didn't know it at the time. But, those little "personality traits" that I called secrets were actually gifts.  They were gifts from Spirit.  Yes, indeed.  I was armed with divine gifts and I didn't even know it.  So, in the depths of this cave, my secrets were being transformed.  The hand of the Divine shaping them into gifts.
  One of those gifts was the gift of Stillness.  In that cave, I had plenty of time.  So, without knowing, I cultivated stillness because it was pretty quite in there.  Eventually, I began to realize that when I was still I could hear.  I could hear the voice of Divinity.   Then, I began to realize that when I listened to that voice.  I felt joy.  When I felt joy, my light began to return.  As my light returned, the darkness of my fears and secrets was pushed back.
  Then, something miraculous happened.  The Voice said to me, " You were created to be perfect and divine.  Why would I not love everything about you?"  Upon hearing this, and sensing the Truth in it.  I connected to something greater than the Voice.  I connected to Love--perfect, divine love.  In the light of that divine Love I had one thought.  "If God can love me just the way I am. Everyone else, including myself, should be able to as well."  Then I thought, " God, what if they don't?"  The Voice answered, "Does it matter? I will always and forever love you."  In that moment, in the depths of the cave.  Amidst the darkness and despair,  I glimpsed my Self as reflected to me by the Divine.  I, also, glimpsed an infinity of possibilities.  I was reborn. I was reborn with a new understanding of Spirit and myself.  I had glimpsed my own Divine Nature.  And, man! I liked it! I was ready for more.